Why are People so Comfortable with Dragging Black Women?

Tyra Banks became Twitter’s latest casualty of the ever so random and aimless “woke wars” (or “Woke Olympics,” as I like to call them). Video footage from previous seasons of America’s Next Top Model had resurfaced on twitter, and the woke warriors wouldn’t rest until Tyra was successfully “canceled.”

Now, I will definitely acknowledge that some of the challenges were questionable, and I don’t feel Tyra effectively used her platform to dismantle discriminatory standards that existed in the modeling industry. I definitely do feel that there is something to be said about how damaging these standards are for aspiring models, and it’s odd that Tyra seemed to rigidly abide by them, especially given her own experience with body shaming from the media.

I do think there is an important factor that people are conveniently overlooking when it comes to this situation:

This was a reality TV show.

We are all well aware of the fact that reality TV is the epicenter for drama and, ironically, false reality. I’m not saying that this is an excuse, but I think Tyra was well aware of the medium she was entering and how to thrive in it–which she did, 24 seasons later.

It’s fascinating to see people pretend to be outraged over a a video clip from a show that had aired 15 years ago. People want Tyra to be held accountable for statements she made as a judge on the panel, but don’t want to discuss the fact that they were tuning in weekly to watch the drama transpire. And I get it– we were kids when this aired, of course you (hopefully) don’t think and behave the same way you would as a child. Why do we then expect Tyra to be held accountable for who she was 15 years ago, but not ourselves?

“Cancel Culture” in Relation to Black Women

I have a couple of takes on this situation, which are all based off of my own observation. First of all, “cancel culture” has absolutely no goal: it’s not about justice, or spreading awareness. People want to feel powerful, like they’re in a higher place of morality than others; think about it, what really happens after someone is “canceled”?

They either fade into obscurity, resurface when people have decided they can come out of time out, or these social justice warriors move on to a new target to cancel. It’s just a vicious cycle that doesn’t do anything other than further encourage hive mentality.

I hate to go there (but actually not really), but it’s interesting how quick people jump on the opportunity to shit on a black woman. It suddenly becomes okay for black women to be the punchline of everyone’s joke when it’s popular.

Nicki Minaj is the best selling female rapper of all time–but people all of a sudden think she’s a washed up hater because some karaoke rapper from the Bronx couldn’t get a hit without mentioning Ms. Minaj.

People on Twitter magically have amnesia and think that Tyra Banks isn’t a “real” model, stating she’s only done urban shoots despite walking in shows with Naomi Fucking Cambell .

When did it become popular to discredit a black woman’s accomplishments because social media decided they don’t like her– Cardi B has proven to be an ignorant, greedy, colorist mean girl, with numerous problematic videos of her resurfacing–why hasn’t she been canceled? Taylor Swift was outed as a crybaby liar–where are the social justice warriors demanding she apologize?

Now, I’m not saying that cancelling these two women will somehow even out the playing field–as I mentioned before, canceling is nothing but a game of “who’s more woke than the other.” I don’t even necessarily feel like Tyra is innocent– I think a constructive conversation definitely could’ve come out of this, but that’s ultimately not what anyone wanted.

It’s unfortunate that people nowadays lack capability of individual thought. You don’t have to tear anyone down for “woke” points–fight for what you believe, but those beliefs should be your own.

You Don’t Like Your 4c Hair, and It’s Your Fault

Photo of cheerful curly girl with positive emotions : Stock Photo

A lot of y’all aren’t going to like what I’m going to say in this post, but it needs to be said.

You don’t like your 4c hair because you choose not to. It’s not anyone’s fault; at this point, it’s all you.

Now, of course the black community as a collective has not been the nicest towards black women, especially dark skinned, kinky-haired women. What inspired me to write this post is not only years of frustration with the “woe is me” narrative that I hear from 4c naturals, but from a live video I caught on YouTube.

I won’t disclose this user’s name, but in her live she featured a guest that spewed nothing but ignorant self hating comments in regards to her relationship with her 4c hair.

“I don’t care for my hair texture…I don’t care who feel a way about it…I do not like my 4c hair.”

What’s hilariously ironic is that she also went on to say she doesn’t want anyone to shame her for her hair.

Well honey, you beat us to the punch.

I don’t understand this narrative from some 4c hair naturals that they want to be able to share their disdain for their hair texture and receive nothing but love and support in return. I will never condone black women tearing down their own features, because we get that enough from black men and the media– we should be the very last people to be doing that to ourselves.

Before anyone gets butthurt and defensive, I also have 4c hair, and yes, it is pretty difficult to deal with. My hair is very thick, but my strands are very fine, so its difficult finding a balance between effective moisture for my entire body of hair and making sure my hair isn’t breaking.

It is a lot of work, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

If your 4c hair is so damn difficult and you hate it so much, shave your head.

Get a relaxer, a texturizer, I don’t care…

but don’t complain about your hair texture and what it can and can’t do when you’re deliberately not taking the time to learn what it needs.

A lot of us would have hair down our backs if we stopped trying to make our 4c hair look like 3c hair. Your hair is going to do its own thing regardless, but we keep fighting against it and then want to be surprised when it won’t grow past our earlobes.

I’m not trying to police what black women do to their hair, nor am I dismissing the unique set of difficulties that our hair type comes with; however, we aren’t ever going to get over this negative stigma of our hair type if we’re the ones perpetuating it.

You can’t love your hair and then hibernate in a wig 24/7 in the name of “protective styling.” Learn your hair. Work with your hair.

Love your natural 4c hair.

Black Women, Stop Defending Women that Don’t Defend You

ATLANTA, GA – FEBRUARY 28: Cardi B attends Hawks vs Nets After Party at Gold Room on February 28, 2020 in Atlanta, Georgia.(Photo by Prince Williams/Wireimage)

People love Cardi B—especially black women. In the beginning, I was definitely a fan of her goofy personality, and like many I saw her success as a Cinderella Story come to life: however, over the years, Cardi has unpeeled the less appealing layers of her character.

Cardi Isn’t Black

In our community, we have a bad habit of giving everyone an “honorary black card,” and Cardi is no exception. Cardi is a product of her environment, but she has the privilege of her “ghettoness” being perceived as “real” and trendy.

She has never claimed blackness herself, but black people allow her a pass because of her proximity to black culture. This is partially why she feels so comfortable saying the “n-word.”

Let’s be real…

Cardi gets treated like royalty in the black community because she’s light skinned. I know I’m going to get accused of being a “bitter dark skinned black woman,” but someone needs to call out the foolishness. If that makes me the bad guy, then so be it.

It is ridiculous the amount of foolishness we let her get away with. We as black women can’t call out black men for being colorist and then sing the praises of a colorist nonblack woman.

Colorist Double Standard

I’m using Cardi as an example, but black women—especially dark skinned black women—have a bad habit of vicariously living their lives through light skinned and racially ambiguous women. A lot of the time, we complain about an under representation of black women in the media, but we identify mixed race women like Cardi as black; to add insult to injury, we’re actually more judgmental of black women that engage in the same ratchet behavior.

We roll our eyes when we see black women with red wigs and acrylic nails that touch both end of the earth, but it’s cute when Cardi does it? Cardi B couldn’t even get to the level of stardom that she’s at without tearing down another black woman in the process, yet this is who black women choose to champion?

What does that say about us?

The Solution

By no means am I saying that you can’t be a fan of Cardi’s, but be honest with yourself about who you are supporting. Be honest about what she—and women like her—represents, and how that reflects you. There is enough turmoil within our own community, the last thing we need to do is support our own detriment. Stop running to the defense of a woman who doesn’t identify with you and doesn’t care about you. At the end of the day, she needs us and we don’t need her.

Tips on How to Keep Calm during a Global Pandemic (and in general)

As you all know, we are in the middle of a global pandemic, that being the spread of COVID-19. I know a lot of you may be scared and frustrated with how this situation is being handled, but let’s not lose sight of our mental wellbeing and attack this thing from a factual standpoint. Here are some things to remember not only as we move past this pandemic, but in any situation in life where we feel like panicking:

  1. Panicking Makes Everything Worse. Always.

You know what compromises your immune system? Stress. Do not allow this situation to turn you into a chicken running around with its head chopped off. The CDC has given us very clear instructions on how we should approach this situation. Other than washing your hands, keep calm and remember that stressing makes just about everything you face in life worse.

2. Use Common Sense

When you’re sick, what’s the first thing you grab on the shelves of your local supermarket to alleviate your ailments? Cereal? Toilet Paper? A year’s supply of pasta? Don’t be a selfish dumbass. Pandemic or not, people are still going to need groceries. If you are going to leave the house, be mindful of immune boosting foods and supplements, such as herbal teas, fruits and vegetables. Do your research on immunity supporting herbs—it’s unfortunate, but you’d be surprised as how much is still on the shelves at a time like this. Also stock up on nonperishable foods, such as froze and canned goods.

            It should go without saying, but it you’re feeling ill, stay home. It’s not fair to those with compromised immune systems that they have to live in fear because of selfish jackasses that are spreading their illnesses to the public. Try to limit social interaction as much as you can, and of course, wash your damn hands.

3. Keep Your Mind Busy

Now is quite a time to be an introvert, huh? Smugness aside, take this time of quarantine to not only maintain routine but keep busy: maybe there’s a book lying around the house that you never read, or maybe it’s time to dig up that old sewing machine in the garage? Take your mind off of sensationalized news and pick up a new hobby. I feel that in this time of isolation, we can give ourselves the opportunity to learn how to be more self-sufficient and productive with our time.

4. Stay Active

Social distancing doesn’t mean don’t leave the house altogether. Take a stroll around your neighborhood, find a local trail to hike, lift weights from home if you can. Keep in mind that staying in the house is for the wellbeing of society right now, but you don’t have to go crazy in the process. There are tons of channels on YouTube that are dedicated to yoga practices, even at home workout videos with no equipment necessary. Where there’s a will, there’s a way!

5. Stay Positive

I know that these are very frustrating and trying times. This situation is starting to affect our everyday lives, but we have accept that we cannot control the future. We don’t know how long this thing will last or how bad it can get—all we can do is stay informed and stay calm. We have to remind ourselves that we already know what to do, and we have to trust that things will work out. The energy you put out is the energy you get in return; in a time like this, we need all the positivity that we can harness to get through this, and we will get through this.

5 Irrefutable Reasons to be a Bitch

You know how in teen movies the nice girl is always secretly pining over her crush, but he’s trapped in the claws of the vicious mean girl? In these situations, the “mean girl” is portrayed as the villain, but how many times has the “good girl” gotten the guy in real life? I’ll save you the math and say slim to none. You know why? Because she doesn’t see her own worth and put herself first like the mean girl does. Here are 5 reasons it is always better to be the bitch than the good girl.

  1. Nice Girls Finish Last
Image result for cady heron trash can

If we’re being honest, nice people finish last. Nice people are too focused on being perceived as nice instead of being respected. Don’t get so caught up in just being nice—humans are multifaceted individuals, so why limit yourself to only being known as the “nice one”? Nice people are also more susceptible to being taken advantage of, because they’re afraid that if they speak up, they’ll be seen as being “too harsh.” There’s nothing wrong with being nice, but don’t solely identify yourself as such.

2. Bitches Don’t Care What People Think

Image result for whitley gilbert

Bitches fear no one. As I mentioned in the previous point, a lot of women are afraid of expressing negative emotion because they’re afraid of how they’ll be perceived. A bitch doesn’t have this problem. If she has an issue with how something was said, she’ll say it. If she feels disrespected, she’ll make it known. If no one is listening to her ideas in the business meeting, she’ll speak up. If speaking up for yourself and setting boundaries makes you a bitch, so be it.

3. Bitches Are Leaders

Chess, Pawn, King, Game, Tournament, Intelligence

Bitches are natural born leaders. Their bold, no nonsense attitude may be intimidating to the weak, but inspirational to others. Bitches lead by example, by simply being themselves. You have to have a fearless attitude and always carry yourself with pride on a day to day basis. Everyone emits a certain level of energy, and anyone can pick up on energy whether they realize it or not. Bitches naturally attract other bitches, so you want to make sure that the circle around you pushes you to be better. If your current group of friends is holding you back, then lead by example by making changes to your attitudes towards your life a personal success. If this means surrounding yourself with a new group of girls, then so be it; it not’s anything personal, but if you want to be great, you have to make the necessary sacrifices.

4. Bitches Are Selfish

Jane Russell, Star, Actress, Woman, Person, Gun

You have to put yourself first, always. I’m blessed enough to have wonderful friends and family in my corner that always have my best interest in mind; unfortunately, they won’t always be around. I know that sounds depressing, but that’s the reality of the human condition. You have to be your own source, and worrying how others see you will take you off course. Nice girls put everyone else before them often times to their own expense. This may sound like I’m encouraging you to be coldhearted, but think about it like this: if someone is feeding you positive energy, reciprocate that; if they’re feeding you negative energy, disengage completely. Not everyone deserves kindness, and not everyone deserves your attention. If a situation or a person isn’t benefiting you, detach yourself. Establishing healthy, clear boundaries will help ensure that you don’t end up in situations where you’re being taken advantage of.

5. Bitches Are Confident

Image result for confident black woman

One thing you’ll learn about me as you join me on this journey to self-discovery is that I love mantras. As dorky as it may sound, they have helped me out a lot. To be frank, confidence was not something that came naturally to me; I used to be pretty harsh on myself and had a very negative inner dialogue with myself. If there is anything that I hope you learn from this post it’s this: You become a bad bitch simply by saying so. When certain thought patterns don’t come naturally, I advise coming up with a simple sayings that you repeat to yourself. Repetition is a necessary step. The wonderful thing about the human brain is that it can be rewired—you don’t have to fall prey to automatic negative thoughts, simply redirect them in a more positive direction. It will take time, depending on where you are in life, but becoming confident is something that is within every woman’s reach. All you have to do is decide that you’re worth it.

Bitter Beta Males

I don’t think there is anything I find more unattractive than a bitter man. People focus so heavily on the “bitter single woman” trope that they neglect to acknowledge the existence of her male counterpart.

For context, I’ll briefly reference a time in my life where I dealt with an immature, insecure, bitter beta male.

He was a guy I went to high school with—we never really spoke to each other, but we were always cordial. He was a super sweet and funny guy, at least that’s how I remembered him. One summer we’d reconnected and started texting back and forth, strictly platonic. After a while, we started hanging out and that soon turned into hanging out at his place.

I think we all know what happened from there.

Me, being the sap that I am, I started catching “feelings” for him; however, as my “feelings” developed, I noticed his interest dissipating. What once was a mutual texting relationship turned into me thirstily texting him just to get a dry (and often hours late) response. I realized I was turning into a desperate bitch.

Once I came to grips with this harsh truth, I mustered up some pride and stopped texting him. Of course, this caught his attention. After about two months of not reaching out, he finally hit me up, trying to get him some. I politely told him I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore and that I’d missed our friendship.

He then accused me of blowing him off when he was “trying to take me out” and proceeded to block me on Instagram and Twitter.

I want to point out both what he did and what I did wrong. First of all, I went into the situation naïve; I was relatively fresh out of a relationship, and I just wanted the company of a “nice guy.” I wanted what I thought was the opposite of my ex. I thought that I would’ve been able to have sex with my “friend” and maintain our friendship.

My “friend” is the text book definition of a beta male. He would often comment on his perceived inadequacies and on women that have broken his heart in the past. These were red flags that I ignored because I was so sure he was a “nice guy.” We all have insecurities, and there is strength in acknowledging them; however, be wary of men that constantly speak on their insecurities. Highly insecure people tend to be more defensive and drastic in their actions. It’s a delayed response to their own lack of security in themselves, which only results in more walls being built up.

My “friend” took comfort in blaming his failed relationships on his personal belief that women cannot be trusted. I can’t fully be mad at him, because this is how I felt about men when things ended with my ex—granted, my ex was a sociopath, so I had pretty good reason not to be trusting. The problem with this mindset is that while you think you’re protecting yourself from the very people you don’t want, you’re actually attracting those people to you. This is known as the law of attraction; the energy you put out, you get back in return.

Let my “friend” and I’s story be a lesson to you: take time to heal from your past traumas, so that you don’t end up causing more trauma to others. Also, don’t fuck your friends. Ever.

Sex Appeal: A Woman’s Greatest Strength

Femininity is a woman’s greatest tool, especially when the sexual component is drawn out. Lately, I have been a huge advocate for women using their sexuality to get what they want out of men.

I know the phrase “women using their sexuality to get what they want from men” comes across as really regressive to some, but it’s not what you think it is. You get a man to do just about anything if he thinks he’s getting laid at the end.

Men are Visual Creatures; Use This to Your Advantage

We’ve all experienced the annoying ass dude who stares at you as if you’re the last woman on earth, but that’s confirmation that looks are powerful. While society places a heavy burned on women to look good at all times, we can learn to not view this as a negative and instead see it as an advantage. I’m a firm believer in using an unfair system to my benefit, so when I don’t feel like putting effort into my looks I of course remind myself that I am more than my looks, and instead view them as a powerful tool.

All you have to do is look at the stacks of money strippers flaunt constantly to attest the truth in the power of a woman’s sexuality. Men try so hard to slut shame women that work in the sex industry, but who keeps their bills paid?

Embrace the Damsel in Distress Role

I firmly believe that women should be able to provide for themselves and not need the assistance of a man for anything—there’s nothing wrong with wanting it, though. A general rule of being a high value woman that stands out from the crowd is being able to easily walk away, so when I reference the “damsel in distress” role, I’m referencing it very lightly.

Imagine this scenario: you’re pulled over on the side of the road and you’re tire is flat. You may be very much capable of changing it yourself, but we’d all rather have someone else do the hard work for us. Who do you think a guy would pull over and help first, the cute, wide eyed damsel who’s clearly too fragile to change her own tire, or the gruff, disheveled woman who looks like she just rolled out of bed?

Now, of course, a decent human being would help out both individuals—no person is more worth assisting because of how they look, but this isn’t how men think. It sounds harsh, but I’m willing to bet my left pinky that a guy would help out the hot chick before the “ugly” one. This is what I mean when I say using an unfair system to our benefit.

Feminine Energy

The Damsel in Distress scenario goes beyond just being cute, men respond more eagerly to more feminine women than masculine. This sounds painfully obvious, but there could be ways that you’re exuding masculine energy without realizing it. Do you have a sailor mouth? Does “Act Up” by the City Girls resonate a bit too deeply within you? Well, honey, you’re probably a man.

I’m just kidding, please chill. Notice I didn’t say that being into sports, or wearing sweats makes you “manly.” In fact, I wouldn’t even completely eliminate your masculine traits—balance them with your feminine ones. Practice softness, being more mindful of how you respond to certain situations. Challenge yourself to wear colors outside of your comfort zone, or take up a creative hobby. Being Feminine doesn’t have to mean that you wear heels 24/7 and never get angry, it is an energy that exists within all of us, and we have to learn how to channel it.

We live in an unfair world where a woman’s worth is measured on her youth, beauty, and her ability to “get” and “keep” a man. We don’t have to be victims of this, but we can instead use this to our advantage. I’m not saying that misogyny is a made up issue, I’m instead giving an alternative way of fighting it. 

What I Learned from Dating a Sociopath

A sociopath is a person that lacks empathy and manipulates people into doing whatever they please. That definition alone isn’t even the tip of the iceberg. I feel like you really have to experience engaging with a sociopath in an intimate way to have a deeper understanding on how they operate. As an empath—someone who is basically the polar opposite of a sociopath—I am bait to manipulators. After my two and a half year relation with my ex went to complete hell, I learned a lot of things not only about sociopathy, but about myself:

  1. Understand Your Weaknesses as an Empath
    1. Let me iterate (quite aggressively) that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being an empath. In my opinion, empaths have the ability to read people on a deeper level than most people can. When we say we can “feel” your pain, it’s not an exaggeration, but that is one of our main weaknesses. We tend to tire ourselves with other people’s burdens when we don’t have to. Standing up for ourselves becomes a source of anxiety when it should come naturally. Nice people don’t finish last because they’re nice, they finish last because they let the fear of being perceived as mean interfere with their own self-worth.  Don’t let people convince you that who you are is defective, but have enough self-awareness to address your weaknesses.
  2. Be Wary of Too Much Charm
    1. My ex can charm anyone; he’s funny, he’s smart, and happens to have a six pack (who knows if that’s still true). Our similarities were uncanny—too uncanny. When a sociopath takes particular interest in you, they make it their mission to gain as much intel on you as possible. While this may come across as a sudden deep interest in you, recognize that intimate details can easily be used against you. Sociopaths will always operate from a place of self-interest; to them, we are simply pawns in their game.
  3. Insecurities are Loud
    1. I wasn’t the most confident chick in high school. While I was very aware of that, I didn’t realize how apparent it might have been to men, my ex in particular. Looking back, it makes sense that he took a particular interest in me, because I essentially had a target on my back. I had no sense of self, I cherished his validation of me because it was the only time I ever felt it within myself. You could argue that it’s pretty common to be insecure in your teen years, but this followed me well into my early twenties. Be mindful of what you say around guys of interest: refrain from saying things like “I’m surprised he’d take interest in me,” “I can’t screw this up with him, what if he’ll find someone else?” When you’re wearing your insecurities so loud, you’re making yourself bait for a sociopath, and manipulative people in genera. Challenge your insecurities, or change them, if it’s healthier for you. This is your one life, don’t dedicate it to someone else’s wishes.
  4. Sociopaths are Pathological Liars
    1. My ex lied like it was his first language. Looking back, it was ridiculous what he would lie about. At the time, I believed everything he told me, like the sucker I was; however, when I reflect on certain moments, a lot of his lies didn’t add up. Keep a mental note of everything that you’re being told, and notice inconsistencies. Never not confront a sociopath on their lies. I know this may sound odd, but sociopaths are so exceptional at manipulation that they can have you doubting yourself. I wasted so much time arguing with my ex and racking my brain around his ludicrous lies. He lied about little things and would blatantly make up scenarios just to see my reaction. My emotions were a game to him, and trust me, you don’t want to put yourself through that kind of psychological trauma. Sociopaths are experts at spinning the narrative to make you look like the bad guy, and if you aren’t careful, you’ll believe it. e
  5. You Can’t Beat Them at Their Own Game
    1. If there’s from this blog post I want you to understand, never forget this: you cannot beat a sociopath at their own game. You know how my ex and I eventually ended? It was on a Facebook post. My ex was going through a very difficult situation at the time, and he always seemed to want his space. After two weeks of not seeing him or hearing from him, I see him post about having a new girlfriend. I was devastated, confused, and pissed. I replayed the last couple months of our relationship, trying to figure out where I went wrong. I wasn’t the issue, but I didn’t understand that at the time. When he did finally reach out to me, he acted as if nothing had happened—he was actually asking if I wanted to hang out with him. He was very callous about the whole thing: “I wanted you until I didn’t. I don’t understand what’s so hurtful about that.” I’m not gonna lie, that still kinda messes with me a little bit, but he truly didn’t understand how I was hurt. He couldn’t understand. This is why I say you can’t beat a sociopath at their own game; sociopaths literally lack the compartment in their brain that produces feelings of empathy or remorse. In the beginning, all I wanted was to hurt him back. I wanted him to suffer as badly as I did, and it took a while until I was able to finally release that need for revenge. Ironically, as soon as I stopped trying to seek revenge was when I got it. About a year after our last conversation, he had messaged me, asking to “finally” be friends again. I didn’t respond and haven’t heard from him since. The only “revenge” you can give to a sociopath is simply moving on with your life. Don’t waste energy trying to be something that you aren’t and on someone who isn’t worth it.

Speak the Life You Want into Existence

We have a lot more control over our destinies than what we give ourselves credit for. Of course, everyone has their own different set of financial and maybe even physical limitations, but the thing that hinders is all the most is our mental blocks.

A lot of times we tell ourselves we don’t deserve something, and we eventually never achieve that thing. The knee jerk reaction is to think “See? I knew I didn’t deserve it.” It wasn’t that we proved ourselves right, we created that reality the moment we told ourselves we didn’t deserve it.

I’ve been very fascinated by the concept of the law of attraction. To explain very simply, it’s essentially speaking things into existence. I recommend reading books on the subject matter, or even listening to podcasts to have a deeper understanding. What I’ve basically learned is that you can’t give into your feelings of defeat, but it’s ok to feel defeated. It’s like the basic rule if stoicism: focus in the things you can control.

As I mentioned earlier, we all have our limitations, but focusing on those limitations certainly won’t put you in a better position or even change them. You want to go after your dream job? Do it, but do it when you’re not feeling like crap. When you make decisions while you’re experiencing negative emotions, you’re less likely to achieve the results you want. Make up in your mind that things will get better for you. Don’t worry about ironing all the details. This doesn’t mean that you don’t take any action at all, but you have to trust that it will happen for you.

I am a huge advocate for black love. I love to see black couples thriving, and I’m blessed to say that I grew up seeing a good example of black love with my own parents—that does not negate the fact that the black community has an issue with disparaging our own, in particular our women.

I already know I’m gonna ruffle some feathers with this one, but as a black woman, I am truly so sick of seeing people that look like me be the butt of the joke of my male counterpart. I’m sick of being gas lighted by the same men that are supposed to “protect” us.

R&B singer Ari Lennox recently started trending on Twitter because some jackass said that she and Teyanna Taylor look like Rottweilers.  With Twitter being the cesspool of idiocy that it is, it sparked a series of tweets from black men (and unfortunately black women as well) that basically said she shouldn’t be complaining because she’s rich.

Well now isn’t that interesting?

R. Kelly is significantly richer than Ms. Lennox, but the narrative for him from black men is that we need to defend him because society is trying to “tear down another black man.” Despite this black man being proven of sexually traumatizing young black girls, he is simply a victim of being a black man in white America. Right?

Black men have an incredible capacity for empathy for each other, even when they’re royally fucking up, but that same level of empathy is never expressed towards black women. On top of that, black men expect black women to defend them, still.

This made me realize something: the collective of black men aren’t going to get it together. Like I mentioned before, I know for a fact it is not all black men, but there are far too many that are comfortable insulting, disrespecting, and disregarding black women. There aren’t enough black men that call it out, either.

Black women, be an advocate for yourself and yourself only. I’m not saying to go on an anti-black man tirade, because anti-blackness won’t fix anti-blackness.  We need to recognize that our “ride or die” defense of black men isn’t going to ever be reciprocated, so we have to always put our best interest first.