Why We Should Stop Teaching Girls to “Save Themselves for Marriage”

Virginity is not this precious jewell to be “lost” or “given” to your Knight and Shining Man of God.

A woman’s sexuality is as natural as childbirth, yet it is presented as this thing that is only reserved for a man to “deflower.” Boys aren’t fed this same narrative– they’re expected to lose their virginity young, to masturbate, to “master the skill” of sex before seriously settling down with a woman–meanwhile, girls grow up to be clueless about their own bodies all to appease an archaic social construct.

Protecting “Innocence” or Male Ego?

How exactly does protecting a young woman’s “innocence” benefit her? How is it protecting her, what are we protecting her from? Growing up, I was embarrassingly clueless about my body’s sexual needs. I had the urges, but my ridgid religious upbringing had me convinced that my first sexual encounter was reserved only for my husband.

I didn’t even masturbate. I was just a big ole awkward ball of pent up sexual desire, but I was brainwashed into believing that all this internal suffering would pay off in the end. By the time I was in my first adult relationship, I was so out of touch with my body and my partner could pick up on that awkward energy.

In short, keeping women oblivious to their own sexual pleasure doesn’t benefit anyone in the end.

It’s All About Him Anyway

It’s very disheartening (and pathetic) to still see so many women equate good sex to how much they can please a man during the act rather than how much of it they actually enjoyed. Women love bragging about their WAP, meanwhile homie gives not one fuck where your clit is or whether you came or not.

Sex is not just about making babies; it is meant to be enjoyed.

As women, were selling ourselves short by limiting our sexual experiences to how much we can please the man. He’s a guy, he’s gonna come regardless. Teach women that sex is this dirty thing that they need to avoid until their wedding night doesn’t empower them, it stifles them. It keeps them in a perpetual state of girlhood and indoctrinated shame with something that not shameful.

Educate, Educate, Educate!

We owe it to our black girls to teach them that their bodies are not tools for men’s enjoyment, that sexual desire is not an evil thing that needs to be stifled. You can’t stifle it, anyway— that’s like depriving yourself of all food in an effort to lose weight and before you know it, you’ve eaten every time in your kitchen.

Educate young girls on the possible risks of sex. Teach them to engage in safe sex. Teach them about their bodies. Teach them to make sure that the decision to have sex is their decision alone.

Maybe she’ll decide to wait until marriage. Maybe she’ll give it up to a stranger in a bar. What matters is that in each situation, she’s making an informed decision and that’s it’s her decision.

Why You Shouldn’t Care About Being A Nice Person

You can be the nicest person in the world and never be acknowledged for it.

You shouldn’t measure your worth based on what you can do for others. Even the most decent people take advantage of those that are too nice. Wanna know why? You have no backbone. You care too much about other people thinking you’re nice that your own needs end up being ignored. There’s no prize at the end for being someone’s door mat.

If You’re Going to be Nice, Be Nice to Yourself

Be nice to yourself first, always. Period. This may not be the most politically correct thing to say, but not everyone is deserving of your kindness. Just like we have to earn someone’s respect or time, kindness must be earned. Don’t fall prey to the fear of being perceived as the angry black woman, your niceness is not someone else’s birthright.

Embrace your inner bitch.

You are deserving of kindness, but the only guaranteed kindness is what we give to ourselves. Don’t be so hard on yourself, stop being so critical. If anything, laugh at yourself more. Who gives a fuck if someone doesn’t like you? Are you gonna develope a cancerous lump in your neck of someone doesn’t like you? No, but you might from caring too much about it.

Being Nice Doesn’t Make You Weak

Being nice doesn’t make you a weak person, but it’s not your only (or even your best) quality.  You won’t gain anyone’s respect by playing the roll of the doormat at your own expense. The nice guy will continue to finish last if you’re nice to everyone else but yourself.

Why Wishing Karma on Someone Else is Bad Karma for You

Karma.

Comeuppance.

Reaping what you sow.

It doesn’t matter what you call it: it is a complete and utter waste of time to wait for the universe to fuck someone over.

Sometimes good thing happens to bad people. You can be the purest soul on the planet and still get screwed over by someone, but sitting and dwelling in your anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person feels it.

The more energy you put into seeking revenge is less energy towards achieving your dreams. If you’re familiar with the law of attraction, you should be familiar with the concept of manifestation. To put into layman’s terms, it’s speaking or thinking your desires into existence.

How are you supposed to manifest the life you deserve if you’re still mad about that time Becky was talking shit in the break room? When you find yourself angry about something, change your inner monologue from “I’m not doing this” to “I will do this.” Even if you’re “not” is something negative, train yourself to focus on positive action.

Instead of thinking “I’m not talking to that bitch,” think “I will ignore this bitch.” Our words and our thoughts have the power to change our lives for the better–or worse.

Obviously, the latter is the better option.

How to be Alone

Being alone doesn’t mean you have to be lonely. The most confident people not only shine in a group setting, they bask in their own company. But how can you make the most out of your solitude?

1. Meditate

With everyone constantly in a rush and on the go, it oftentimes feels like it’s impossible to take a step back and just breathe. Everyone has at least 5 minutes in the morning.

Practice making a habit of setting aside a couple of minutes in the morning to just sit–you don’t have to memorize any mantras, just shut your mind off for at least five minutes. If your find your mind naturally wanders onto the stresses of your day, redirect your focus to your senses: what do you hear? What do you feel?

This is the time to take note of any sensations you feel in your body. Make sure you are focusing on your breathing, and don’t beat yourself up for losing focus.

Mindfulness is an excellent way to press “pause” on your mind and reset yourself when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

2. Go Outside

Get off your ass and get out of the house. People underestimate the therapeutic properties of nature; simply going for a walk in the park can boost your mood and hello clear your mind.

For this with relentless allergies, you can challenge yourself to visit new scenes in your city. Try out a new bar or coffee shop, shop for some natural hair products. Whatever you do, just get off your ass.

3. Exercise

Speaking of getting off you ass….get off your ass. I know half you are going to ignore this step, but physical activity is a proven way to fight the blues.  Your body literally releases endorphins whenever you move…so move!

Exercise doesn’t have to mean lifting heavy weights (even though we all benefit from it). Make it fun and personable to you–twerk out your frustrations, or double dutch your worries away. You can even start out with a simple walk around the neighborhood.

Just. Move.

4. Get a New Hobby

It sounds so simple, but sometimes it really is the simple pleasures in life that make it that much sweeter. Challenge yourself to try something new.

Teach yourself a new trick on your skateboard. Take up knitting, or videogames ( I HIGHLY suggest the Kingdom Hearts series). I personally believe hobbies should be a cross between a peaceful mindless activity and a passion project.

Challenge yourself to actually do things; we oftentimes find ourselves glued to our phones and before we know we’ve wasted several hours of our lives. A life absent of pursuing your passions is as bland a Becky’s potato salad.

No one should be alone, but some solitude is necessary. It’s not about being by yourself, it’s what you do when you’re by yourself. In times as uncertain as these, it’s important that we learn to love the presence of our own company no matter what the circumstance is.

How to Keep Your Libido Alive While Single

You don’t have to be in a relationship to have sex, and you don’t have to engage in casual sex to keep your sex life alive.

Your sexuality is just that–your sexuality. Only you can define what makes you feel sexy and where you want to be touched, but here are some tips for those that may not have felt as desirable lately.

1. Touch Yourself. Alot

Polish the pearl, pat the bunny, play with the kitty. Masturbate. Try something new everyday–start with caressing your breasts, incorporate lube you’ve never tried before.

It sounds goofy as hell to say, but it’s time black women treated masturbating like the sacred practice it is.

You won’t burn in hell for all eternity if you touch your clit. You might even relieve some period cramps.

2. Dance in the Mirror Naked

You can’t get sexy if you don’t feel sexy. If you’re uncomfortable with your own naked body, how can you be comfortable in front of someone else?

Train yourself to appreciate your curves and creases. Appreciate your mosquito bites. Your feet may be big as hell, but hey, they’re yours.

Get in touch with your sensuality— seduce yourself. It doesn’t matter how stupid you feel, be comfortable laughing at yourself.

No one can shame you for what you aren’t ashamed of.

3. Fit Sex into Your Schedule

We schedule brunch with friends, we even try to schedule our workouts.

Everyone acts as if sex should only be this crazy thing that happens spontaneously, but it unfortunately doesn’t always work out that way.

When you’re too busy to see your friends, how do you work around it? You figure out each other’s schedules and plan accordingly.

Form a practice of masturbating before bed. When you’re feeling especially stressed from work, find time to escape to the bathroom. Hit up that old flame you haven’t seen since freshman year of college.

Sex is just as important to our health as exercise and diet, and should be treated as such.

Sexual desire is not something we should be ashamed of. We owe it ourselves as women to reclaim our sexuality on our own terms.

The Karma of being a “Pick Me”

Before Baridi Gang starts bitching, I am in no way making fun of Cardi’s alleged divorce to Offset. If anything, I actually applaud her for it— any woman that finds the strength to leave a toxic relationship is automatically the victor—however, I cannot refrain from acknowledging the presence of the baddest bitch herself in this situation: karma.

It was just a week ago that Cardi was trending alongside the conservatives’ favorite token, Candace Owens. Cardi was attempting to drag Candace for being married to a white man, alleging that she was a “traitor to her race.”

Now, I am in no way a fan of Candace, but in what world is it ever ok to judge a black woman for who she chooses to marry?

Offset is a race traitor, but where is the backlash towards him for marrying a nonblack Latina woman?

Black women, stop allowing colorist queens to speak on your behalf.

Cardi was just judging another woman for who she decided to marry, and now she’s getting divorced from her black kang.

See the karma in that?

You can have the wettest WAP, cook 5 course meals, clean until your kitchen is chrome and a man will still cheat—so why do women place so much responsibility on themselves to maintain the relationship?

At this point, we all know Offset more so for his infidelity than his music, so why did Cardi dangle her marriage to Candace as if she was beneath her?

Cardi has bought cars, gifted him with money and gave her womb to this man, and he never got his act together.

Why would he? She wasn’t going anywhere.

You don’t get a special prize for being a man’s doormat.

The irony of being a “pick me” is not only that you end up with the shitty guy, you don’t even keep him at the end.

5 Things Your Faves Won’t Tell You About Natural Hair

The natural hair community has grown immensely in the past decade, but that doesn’t mean there hasn’t been a slew of misinformation being spread around. Most women rely on their favorite natural hair “gurus” for advice on their newly discovered textures; while YouTube is a great reference for newbies, it is very easy to get overwhelmed with the world of sponsorships and clickbaiting.

To save you the grief, here is a list of only 5 things you really need to know about your natural hair in order for it to thrive:

1. Stay Away from YouTube

Bet you weren’t expecting that one, huh?

In all seriousness, refrain from binge watching the ladies with manes down to their ankles. The natural hair scene has changed significantly since the trend initially took off online. In the early days, women shared their genuine experiences–they weren’t thirsty for views, they wanted to help other black women discover the beauty of their tresses.

Nowadays, you see sponsored videos disguised as “updated wash day routines.”

A lot of content creators aren’t honest about what they use in their hair, and the videos you’re watching are biased, untruthful “reviews” of hair care lines that aren’t even catered to your hair type.

Obviously this doesn’t apply to every single content creator on the platform, but have enough discretion to understand that YouTube is a business first.

2. Hair Type Isn’t Everything

This is probably a controversial statement, and it shouldn’t be.

Let me start by saying that there is nothing wrong with knowing your hair type–it can help give you an idea of how certain hairstyles will look on you; however, hairtyping has turned into this ugly thing where women are feeling inferior and are incorporating faulty information into their hair regimine.

Just because your hair is 4C does not mean it’s prone to breakage.

Just because your hair is 3A does not mean it can do a wash-n-go.

Hair type does not determine the behavior of your hair; there are many different factors that plays into how your hair responds to certain products, how susceptible to breakage it is, etc.

3. Know Your Strand Thickness

This one is going to be more accurately determined through trial and error.

Does your hair tend to “snap” every time you touch it? You might have fine strands. Notice I said “strands” and not “hair.”

When people hear terms like “fine” and “thick” they’re actually referring to hair density, which is the general thickness of your hair. Understanding your strand thickness can help you better determine what products works for your hair versus hair type.

For example, if your strands are on the finer side, you may want to stick with spray leave ins and lighter oils so that your hair isn’t weighed down. On the other hand, if you have thicker strands, your hair may be more resilient than others and may benefit more from a penetrating oil like coconut or olive oil.

Knowing your hair strand thickness will also help you with styling– I find that with my fine strands and thick hair, my hair does better when it’s left alone in mini twists versus a twist out. If your strands are thicker, they may thrive on a combination of low manipulation and protective styles.

4. Know Your Hair Density

As mentioned before, you hair density is how many strands are actually on your head. Obviously you aren’t going to count each individual strand of hair on your head to determine this– I think it’s pretty self explanatory, if you break ponytails on a regular basis, you probably have super thick hair.

A lot of people assume that because they are natural, there hair is naturally thick, and that’t not necessarily the case. I do think natural hair is naturally dense, but everyone’s denseness varies.

I mentioned earlier that my hair is pretty dense, but I use lightweight products on my hair. I find that with my hair being thicker, it’s especially important that I’m evenly distributing product all over my head.

Also, if your hair is thick, sectioning is going to be your best friend. Every natural girl benefits from sectioning her hair, but it’s especially important for the thick haired ladies. If your hair is more so on the medium/fine side, you may be able to get away with a water mist and sealing with an oil.

5. You Don’t Need Wigs to Grow Your Hair

Yes, you read that right, and yes, wigs can indeed grow your hair.

I feel that black women have been so conditioned to think that we’re only presentable when we have eurocentric hairstyles on our head that we’re hiding behind the guise of it being “protective styles.”

If you’re more willing to invest money and time into wigs that don’t even look like your hair, that’s a problem.

Before anyone accuses me of being a hotepress, I do recognize that many black women have grown their hair to great lengths wearing wigs; however, we’re being dishonest with ourselves when we’re refusing to acknowledge the beauty of what’s underneath the wig.

I’m not against protective styles in the slightest–regardless of hair type, every natural benefits from leaving their hair alone.

“Protective style” does not mean Brazilian Wavy lace front, and not every black woman is into wigs. Black women already have a wide array of beautiful protective styles exclusive to us. If wig are your thing, that’s fine, but just know that you don’t have to mimic he instagram baddies to feel like a baddie.

What you do with your hair is your business. I’m not claiming to be a hair expert, nor am I telling you what to do with your hair– I’m just trying to give my audience some truths that I wish I’d heard when I first went natural.

Why Is Female Sexuality So Controversial?

The internet had a field day after the release of the visuals for Cardi B’s “WAP,” featuring Megan Thee Stallion. While some of the response was excitement from fans, there was a surprising amount of backlash– I only say surprising because some of that backlash came from women.

Of course some men only have an issue with women being overtly sexual when they aren’t on the receiving end of it. Why do people take such issue with women being openly sexual?

I wasn’t at all surprised about the number of men pretending to be so outraged by women speaking freely about their sexual desires. I think it’s best for women to ignore the slut shaming rhetoric from men, because they have proven time and time again how much they adore sluts.

I was surprised to see so many women pushing back so heavily from the video–some are even going as far to say that this video is some kind of spiritual warfare that’s being hurled at them. It isn’t my intent to insult anyone who describes themselves as spiritual or religious, but it’s concerning to see how many women are still allowing themselves to be manipulated by archaic beliefs in the name of Jesus.

If sex is so natural, why is it so wrong when we talk about it?

Why is it especially wrong when women talk about it?

For the women out their who are disgusted by such overt displays of sexuality: how do you feel when you hear male rappers degrading women to THOTs and bitches with fat asses? Religion has been used as a ploy to control marginalized groups for centuries–there are numerous instances where women are painted as devious fiends who lead poor, unassuming, able bodied, autonomous men down a path of distruction. Why continue to align yourself with this rhetoris.

I also think it’s very important to add that women deserve to enjoy their own sexuality, and it doesn’t always have to include a man. If you have read any of my previous blogs, you know that I am an advocate for a woman using her sexuality in a strategic manner; however, there does seem to be a trend among female rappers where they tote their sexuality as a bragging right that’s aimed at men and meant to tear down other women.

Not to rain on anyone’s wet pussy parade, but having a super soaker pussy doesn’t make you special, it just means you’re alive. There’s always gonna be a woman that sucks better dick than you do.

A woman’s sexuality should be enjoyed by that woman in whatever way empowers her.

Sex is not a consolation prize we give to some loser who thinks his opinions makes the world go round, and it isn’t anything to be ashamed of. Not everyone expresses their sexuality in the same manner as Megan and Cardi, and that’s truly fine, but being a judgmental prude doesn’t make you any better of a person, and it most definitely won’t get you a man of God delivered to your doorstep.

As Cardi said, but didn’t write: I don’t cook, I don’t clean
But let me tell you how I got this ring.

What Does He Bring to the Table?

shallow photography of silver-colored crown

“Pick-me” Twitter is probably the saddest and most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen on social media. Twitter in general is pretty fucking awful, but the occasional “I’m not like other girls,” tweets kill me slowly in a unique way.

Now, on the surface this looks like a pretty harmless tweet, and to be fair, it is–cringey nonetheless. I feel that women put way too much thought into what they can offer a man to the point where they don’t think twice about what a man can offer them.

One day you’re on Twitter bragging about how you’d spoil your king (who you have yet to meet, and therefore has yet to prove that he’s even deserving of said title) and before you know it, some dusty, wannabe soundcloud rapper is in your DMs with nothing but a hard dick and some bullshit to offer you.

Because you aren’t “superficial” like those other girls, you give him a chance. Y’all Netflix and chill a couple of times, he takes you out on a couple of dates– if you’re lucky, maybe he’ll cover a whopping half of the bill–and then boom, you’re pregnant and he’s on to the next, hottest, dumbest, new thing.

That sounds super dramatic….but that’s pretty much how that happens. I feel like women are so afraid of being honest about what they want from men that they feel that if they subdue their true desires, they won’t be as “difficult.”

Black women especially get fed this bullshit rhetoric of being a “ride or die,” being the chick that was there for him when he didn’t have shit. I’m not sure why we collectively cling so tightly to this tired ass narrative. We’ve seen Baby Boy. Shit, Kanye himself said it:

This week he moppin’ floors, next week it’s the fries
So stick by his side
I know there’s dudes ballin’, and yeah, that’s nice
And they gonna keep callin’ and tryin’, but you stay right, girl
And when you get on, he’ll leave yo’ ass for a white girl

If you’re showing a man from jump that he doesn’t have to do shit to keep you, why would you expect him to magically turn into your prince charming? You think if you pay for enough dates, give him the threesomes he wants, never ask anything of him, that he’ll one day realize how great you are and do right by you?

You already showed him that he’s the prize, so why would he treat you like one?

Cliche warning, but it’s true– we are the prize. If some loser asks what you bring to the table and you already have a bulleted list of what you offer that the other girls don’t you’ve lost.

You are the table. If you define yourself based on what you can offer a man, you’re going to be treated like a doormat. Stop being so desperate for men, and watch how easily they flock to you. Realize your worth before you ever fix your mouth tell a man what you can offer him.

Black Women: It’s Time We Burn the Cape for Black Men

We know that Black Lives Matter, but do black men know that that includes black women’s lives?

The country–the world– is publicly mourning the unjust death of George Floyd, as it should. While it is frustrating that as black people, we have to remind whites that our lives matter, it’s beautiful to see my generation influence such a historical movement.

This historical moment has, yet again, overlooked the big, ugly, fat elephant in the room: the lack of equal support black women receive from black men.

Despite black women being on the front lines, taking rubber bullets for black men, despite black women being the creators of the Black Lives Matter phrase, we can only get black men’s support when they deem us to be “worthy.”

You only get support from black men if they want to fuck you–even that support is dependent on whether or not your reject them.

Oluwatoyin Salau was a young black woman who very vocal in her support of the Black Lives Matter. Despite this unapologetic display, she was sexually abused and ultimately murdered by Aaron Glee– a black man. Despite the news of her death spreading like wildfire, it simply did not spark the same reaction as her black male counterparts.

Does her black life not matter, or do we not talk about this story because it was a black man that killed her?

Do black lives matter, or do black men’s lives matter only?

While we’re in the streets marching and sobbing for our “brothers and sons,” they are silent while we’re being abused and killed at their hands.

Black women, if there is anything to take away from the climate of this situation, it’s this:

These niggas (collectively) don’t fuck with us like that.

I know we were all soaking our panties when John Boyega was demanding for black men to do better by their mahogany melanin queens, but dry them bitches up and stay on code.

One day they’re tweeting about how much they love our “strength” (aka, our ability to withstand tremendous amounts of bullshit and stupidly stay loyal to them), and then the next they’re dragging Noname for not kissing J.Cole’s Hotep, non-reading ass.

I know this isn’t what the Wakandan Warrior Princesses want to hear, but it’s time to take off the rose tinted lenses and face the harsh reality of being a black woman in America:

unless we band together and support our own best interests, our own beauty, our own spaces, we will continue to be alone in this world.

Stop treating grown ass men like they’re you’re fucking sons–it’s not our jobs to teach them how to treat us. It’s no longer our responsibility to initiate the conversation.

No matter how loud your support is for black men, they will never get the memo to return the favor.

We–black women–are all we have.